This is an assignment I did for an elective class called Health and Career Education, after being asked to map out “all the possible dangers that exist within my community.” Dom, I thought you might like this:
Community Map
Live in Fear ©
Because quality of life is overrated anyway
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A healthy dose of misguided fear is a healthy supplement to a lack of confidence/general awareness, and contains a variety of essential vitamins and nutrients. Lucky for you, fear now comes in a convenient selection of on-the-go packages, so you can always live in fear – indoors and out. Fear your friends, fear your family, fear your government, and now – through 12 easy payments of $3.99 - you can fear your community as well! Here’s why:
Fire hydrants.
Who needs them? They’re ugly, red, and dogs pee on them. Also, they’re a threat to the nation. Who knows when your Saturday morning stroll may be rudely interrupted by a jet of cold water breaching the Velcro-ey confines of your M.E.C. Windbreaker? Pray tell what foul indigestions will plague you as you stumble to and fro, in the days following your rude awakening?
Tall buildings.
What’s worse than living on the tip of a matchstick? I’ll tell you: living on the tip of a tall matchstick; which is what you’re doing if you live on the upper floors of an apartment! Fire hazards are also a threat to the nation, but because I feel uncomfortable writing jokes about deadly house-fires, I think I’ll let this one go.
Libraries.
Reading? Literacy? It’s all Fascism, I say! Education is a double-edged sword, people! Act now, or your intellectual property may vanish before your eyes into a cloud of burnt rhetoric and teenagers reciting Karl Marx and Plato. Libraries are corrupting our youth with their free books and sickeningly quiet reading areas!
Parks.
Trees: they breed like rabbits, and are a threat to our society! Trees have infiltrated our homes, our cities, and especially our parks. What’s next, a tree in Parliament?! And you know what else breeds like rabbits? Rabbits! The furry devils are also a threat to the nation. They’re shadowy fiends of the night that have been known to prey on small children. Is your child safe from the cake-like indoctrination of Rabbits? Never be alone, people.
Neighbors.
He’s not growing cinnamon in his basement, and that sure as hell isn’t a bag of sugar in his glove compartment. Is your neighbor selling illicit street drugs to your cat?
Yes, people. Yes he is.
